Keeping Kids Safe
When it comes to keeping children safe from sexual abuse, we shouldn’t:
a) trust people based solely on their authority or reputation,
b) assume that schools, child care provider/programs, and youth-serving organizations take comprehensive steps to protect children,
c) treat stranger danger education as an effective sexual abuse prevention strategy (remember — 91% of children know the abuser), and
d) avoid talking about sexual abuse with children to avoid scaring them. These strategies are ineffective at keeping children safe from sexual abuse. Below, you will find strategies you can use to help protect the children in your life from sexual abuse.
AWARENESS
One of the first steps in preventing child sexual abuse is learning the facts and building awareness — just by reading this guide, you are expanding your awareness. Knowledge is power! The greater number of adults who are aware of what child sexual abuse is and strategies to prevent it, the greater chance of keeping children safe. We know that having accurate knowledge is one of the best and most fundamental ways to protect children from sexual abuse. Whether comfortable or not, we need to transform fear-based avoidance into proactive information-gathering and knowledge. (Elizabeth Jeglic, 2022)
BUILD A SAFETY NETWORK OF TRUSTED ADULTS
It’s vital to have a supportive network of adults who you can have conversations with about sexual abuse, body safety rules, and all the items listed within this section of the guide. These are individuals that you are intentionally choosing and who agree to be part of this team to keep your child safe. These are your child’s trusted adults.
Children should have 3-5 trusted adults. Let the child know they can tell that person anything. It’s also important to tell your child that their trusted adults will:
1. Always honor and respect body safety rules.
2. Never ask the child to keep good or bad secrets.
3. Believe them when they say someone or something has made them feel unsafe, scared, or uncomfortable.
Conversations you might consider having with members of your safety network include:
• Share myths and facts of child sexual abuse and have open, honest conversations on the topic.
• Discuss consent and your family’s body safety rules (see Appendix C).
° Trusted adults encourage children to assert their boundaries and have control of their own bodies from a young age. This means talking about consent early.
° If your child spends a large amount of time with this person at their home, you can give them a copy of the Body Safety Rules poster to hang at their home.
• Review how this person can be an informed resource for your child.
° You might request this person to be a resource to your child about healthy relationships and having age-appropriate conversations about sexual development. This can help reduce the risk of exposure to unhealthy or unrealistic information.
• It’s important to ask this person if they want to and are willing to be a trusted adult for your child and not just assume that they will. Communication is key!
BODY PARTS AND CONSENT
One important thing you can do today to start keeping the children you care for safe is to teach them the correct anatomical terms when teaching them their body parts. Teaching children the correct names for all their body parts promotes their development of a healthy and positive body image. This can also possibly help prevent child abuse from happening in the first place. In one study, researchers interviewed 91 sex offenders who were convicted of molesting children. They asked various questions about their crime, including how they selected the victims. Some reported that they were less likely to target children who knew the correct anatomical names for body parts, as they thought this may increase the risk of them getting caught. (Elizabeth Jeglic, 2022) Teaching correct anatomical names can also help a child disclose abuse if it occurs.
Children must be taught from a young age that they have a right to have boundaries around their personal space and body. Children should not be forced to give hugs or kisses. Not everyone appreciates hugs or physical contact. In the same respect that children should not yield control over their body, they should learn to use consent before touching others. (Shalon Nienow, 2023) Teaching children consent will help give a child the permission and confidence to say “NO” should someone touch them in a way that makes them uncomfortable.
SECRETS & SURPRISES
“Secret keeping” is a trick oftentimes used by abusers to keep the abuse hidden. Use the word “surprise” instead of “secret.” Talk about healthy surprises, such as a surprise trip to the beach or a surprise birthday party. You can explain how surprises should be fun and everyone should know about the surprise soon — unlike a secret, which may be forever and potentially dangerous or unsafe.
Make sure your child knows they can always tell you or a trusted adult if they’ve been asked to keep a secret. No matter who asked them to keep a secret, it’s always OK to tell you or a trusted adult, and it won’t result in them getting in trouble
SAFE ENVIRONMENTS
There are things we can do both at home and in other environments to ensure safety for children. Require an open-door policy both at home and when visiting other places. Doors should be open if there is more than one person in the room, and this should apply every day, even if it’s just your immediate family. One-on-one time doesn’t need to be in a closed bedroom or down in the basement out of view.
Remain watchful during holidays, gatherings, and parties. You should encourage children to stay in view and remind them that body safety rules apply to all people — including family. If the children are playing in a different area, check in often.
Privacy rules always apply. Remind others that children need privacy when using the bathroom or changing clothes.
Body safety check-ins. While it may seem like the safest choice to leave children with a partner, babysitter, siblings, etc., it is important to ask your children how they spent their time while you were out. It is key to make sure they feel safe when you’re leaving and are treated well while you are gone. Sometimes, as caregivers, we may tune out complaints from children, but showing them that we are always there to listen to them is just as important as talking to them about body safety. Body safety check-ins should also be completed after sleepovers at a friend’s house or after time away in other environments
BODY SAFETY RULES
Teach your child body safety rules (see Appendix C for a body safety poster you can use at home). Body safety rules to consider are:
BODY AUTONOMY
• “I’m the boss of my body!” A child who knows that they are in control of their body is less likely to fall victim to sexual abuse. (Shalon Nienow, 2023)
PRIVATE PARTS ARE PRIVATE
• Remind the child that our private parts are the parts of our body covered by a bathing suit. Tell the child that no one should ever touch their private area(s) except for a doctor or nurse during a physical exam (with a primary caregiver present) or their primary caregiver if they are trying to find a cause of pain in the private area(s). Similarly, it’s important to explain to the child that no one should ever ask the child to touch their privates with any part of their body (aside from a caregiver or a doctor during an exam with a caregiver present to ensure the child is safe and healthy), including their mouth.
• When having these conversations with your child, use the same manner and attitude you would when speaking to them about a topic such as seat belt safety or bike safety.
NO SECRETS (see page 10)
• Secrecy is a hallmark of grooming behavior. (Elizabeth Jeglic, 2022)
TRUSTED ADULTS IN YOUR SAFETY NETWORK (see page 9)
• These are 3-5 people who support your body safety rules and are committed to being a part of a safety team to help keep your child safe.
Revisit your body safety rules often. You can have quick check-ins at the dinner table. If you are still bathing your child, you can talk about body safety rules at that time or even while driving the car.